


How You Feel

by suzannahbee123



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Reader-Insert, Romantic Fluff, Smut, Soft Bucky, blue collar bucky, missunderstandings, rich girl falls for working boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-19 10:46:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17000115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suzannahbee123/pseuds/suzannahbee123
Summary: You’re working at your fathers office, on the hottest day of the year when the air conditioning breaks down. In walks your hero, come to save the day, James “Bucky” Barnes. But it’s not fair that you should fall in love so quickly when you’re not able to stay…





	1. How You Meet

 

Summer time in New York was stifling at the best of times, you often joked that vacationing in the fiery pits of Hell would be a break from the New York summer heat. That year, the year you turned 25, however, temperature records broke and no matter where you went, it was hot enough to melt paint from the exterior walls. Even your incredibly wealthy and powerful fathers obscenely expensive and efficient tower block wasn’t immune to the terrible heat and the air con broke down. In a twist of fate, the system only seemed to have broken in the upper levels, the lower floors where the admin staff were? They were fine and probably laughing at the upper levels discomfort.

 

You were there that summer, working for the experience (and the money) now that you had finished your education in medicine. In a few short months, you would fly out of the country for the foreseeable future to work with the Red Cross in whatever area needed it the most.

 

You might have lived a privileged life up until now, but your father only wanted you to live your life as you saw fit, if you wanted to shun your trust fund and work as a doctor to those who needed it the most? He would support you, fully and without reservation. You knew your father was proud of you, and that had always made your life perfect, far more than anything the money he had could buy.

 

What his money bought this summer though, was the best aircon technicians in the state and that’s when it happened. You saw James Buchanan Barnes for the first time.

 

When you met Bucky you knew it was right. He felt right, in your soul, in your heart. One smile from across the room and that was that, you were his. Now and forever.

 

In that same instant, however, you knew, deep down, that you would never be able to keep him. Or, more accurately, he would never be allowed to keep you. You were the daughter of one of New York’s most wealthy business men, one who was on both Forbes Most Wealthy and women’s magazines Most Eligible Bachelors lists, every year, without fail. Someone like James “Bucky” Barnes would never be allowed near you. Not to keep.

 

It didn’t stop you from staring. The knowledge that you were going to be leaving anyway in three months didn’t slow your heart rate down. It was only his eyes that you saw and everything faded away.

 

***

 

“Wow, you’re hot in here.”

 

“Ex-excuse me?”

 

You looked up and stammered and the technician blushed a pretty colour and dropped his gaze, biting his plump bottom lip between his perfect white teeth and you almost swooned.

 

“I- I meant, that, you look hot, in here. Uh, I mean, it’s hot. And you look really hot because of the… because of the heat.” The chestnut haired technician stammered and trailed off. “I am so sorry. I am here to fix your unit, can I come in?”

 

“Of course, please.” You were flustered at what was clearly a compliment about how hot he actually thought you looked but, to be quite honest, at the mention of fixing your aircon, his mesmerizing good looks faded away and all you cared about was the thought of a blissfully cold office. “Would you like some water?”

 

“Sure, thanks, doll.”

 

Again he blushed and you felt heat flood your cheeks but you smiled and ducked your head.

 

“Aw hell, I’m such a goof.” The man took the chilled bottle of water from you, gratefully. “I just… I’m nervous to be up here, in this building, with you folks. Please don’t tell my boss I called you doll? He would fire me and I really need this job.”

 

“No! I wouldn’t! I, uh… please don’t feel uncomfortable up here, we’re nothing special. Our air conditioning doesn’t work and we sweat just like you, see?” You gestured to the beads that you could feel beading your brow but it was your cleavage his grey blue eyes dropped to for the briefest second and the bead that you could now feel travelling down your chest. It was the sort of glance that you had seen from men ever since you had turned eighteen but from this man, who looked to be around your age, it felt… different… better. This man didn’t make you feel uncomfortable.

 

He clearly was, however, so you did your best to ease the tension. “I’m Y/N.” You held out your hand. “I’m only working here on a temporary basis, anyway.” Why you added that, you had no idea, but you just felt the need to make him comfortable with you.

 

“Bucky. James Bucky, I mean. Uh… Barnes. James Barnes! Please,” James Bucky Barnes chuckled shyly and took your palm in his large and warm one, “Call me Bucky? Hardly anyone besides my ma calls me James.”

 

“Bucky.” You whispered and just shamelessly stared at him, watching him stare right back. “Aren’t you thirsty?” You finally asked, and cringing when you heard your choice of words bleat back at you in your head.

 

“You have no idea, honey.” Bucky’s eyes didn’t leave yours as he uncapped the bottle and  and drank it down, and your eyes went to the column of his throat, and the way his muscles moved as he drank. You had never noticed a man's neck before… you almost felt like all the men before James “Bucky” Barnes (and there had been a few), were shadows on a wall. Bucky was what was revealed when all darkness was stripped away and you saw the world as it really was.

 

“I think I do.”

 

Bucky’s eyes dropped to your lips and you almost rose on your tiptoes to kiss him. It didn’t matter that you had only known him for all of ten minutes… you knew, instinctively, that he felt the same way…

 

“Doll…” Bucky’s breath fanned across your face and the breeze felt divine, you stepped closer and-

 

Someone dropped something and swore loudly out in the hallway and the spell broke. You stepped away, mortified. “I’m sorry- I don’t know what came over me.”

 

“No, please, doll-”

 

You retreated to your desk and the shelter that the barrier provided. “The unit is through that doorway. Please take an extra bottle of water with you, I believe it will be even hotter in there then it is out here.”

 

Bucky’s eyes were downcast, the silky looking hair that had escaped the neat man bun at the back of his head brushed his sharp cheekbones and you felt like such a fool.

 

You had almost kissed a total stranger, in the office building that belonged to your father, on the hottest day of the year. You were insane and it was better that he thought you were a rude and stuck up rich girl. 

 

“Please.” You promoted when Bucky didn’t move, just hovered awkwardly for a few moments. “Fix my air conditioning? That’s what you’re here for, after all.”

 

Bucky’s eyes finally snapped up to yours and your heart plummeted at the defeated tone in his voice.

 

“Yes ma’am.” 

 

On that note, Bucky walked off through the door and you dropped your head in your hands in despair. Before today, you hadn’t believed in love at first sight. But today you had met the man who would steal your heart and you couldn’t be with him. 

 

Fate was one cruel fucking bitch.

 

***

 

About two hours later, you had almost convinced yourself that what you had felt as you had been stood in front of Bucky was a hallucination brought on my overheating and you were back to focusing entirely on the work your father's subordinates had given you to complete. 

 

As you were stretching and contemplating where to go for dinner, a rattling sound came from overhead and, like magic, you felt blissfully cool air hit you and you jumped up, going to stand directly under the vent and sighing. You heard the door open behind you and you spoke to your savior.

 

“You’re a genius! This is amazing! Honestly, I am so grateful for this, the whole tower will be beside themselves and-”

 

You had spun around to look your dream man in the eye as you thanked him and your throat dried up and all your knowledge and social skills abandoned you. It really had been too hot in that room. Bucky’s coveralls were open to the waist and he had removed the too half from his body and tied it at the waist, leaving him in a very tight white undershirt that left almost no doubt about what his body looked like underneath.

 

It looked like he was formed from solid muscle and every last one was so incredibly defined… 

 

“You wanna take a picture, doll? It’ll last longer.”

 

“Oh! I’m sorry, uh… you just look, ummm… dirty. I mean!” Now you were the one tripping over your words and you could feel the heat rush to your face and neck. “I mean that your shirt is, well, it’s filthy.”

 

It really was, covered in grease and grime and somehow the dirt and filth only made his allure more potent and your knees were almost getting weak just from looking at him.

 

“Yeah? Well, that’s the job, Y/N. I get dirty so you don’t have to.”

 

“I’m sorry, for what I said before. Or, well, at least how I said it. I… maybe I can take you out to get a drink to say thank you?”

 

Bucky moved closer, his eyes never leaving your face. “You asking me out on a date? A lowly guy with a lowly job who almost kissed you in your swanky office?”

 

You thought about it, tried to rationalise it and find something to say that would make sense, but you couldn’t find anything. More importantly, you didn’t want to.

 

“Yes. Please go on a date with me? You’re my hero.”

 

“I want to be more than that.” Then Bucky closed the distance between you, dragged you against his firm body, and claimed your lips in a kiss that took the final bit of strength from your knees and Bucky pulled you even more firmly against him.

 

The kiss went on for a long time, becoming more heated until you realised with a sudden jolt of awareness that you were now sat on your desk and the almost stranger named James “Bucky” Barnes was kissing you like his very life depended on it and your legs were spread wide to accommodate his hips and body.

 

You were head over heels for this man already.

 

“Wait, Bucky, please… slow down.”

 

Another kiss and Bucky pulled away. “Oh, God… Y/N… you gotta believe me, I have never done that before, I- I’ve never felt like this before! I see you today and it’s like, like seeing colours for the first time or, I dunno, what I guess seeing the Grand Canyon or the Pyramids would be like.”

 

“I’m old and full of cracks?” You ask, head still muddled from his searing kisses.

 

“No, honey,” Bucky came to you again, like he couldn’t keep away and cupped your face, “you took my breath away.”

 

“It was the same for me, for what it’s worth. I have no idea what I’m doing but I don’t want it to stop.”

 

“Me either.”

 

Another soft kiss, his hands going back to your hips and your arms snaked around his neck and the kiss deepened and-

 

And this time the phone on your desk and you jumped like you had shocked with a cattle prod. “Fuck! We can’t do this here, my dad will have you arrested.”

 

“Okay, okay.” Bucky did pull away this time and he pulled up his coveralls, making you almost weep at the loss of all that skin. “Give me your number, I’ll tell you where to meet me tonight, okay? You- you will come, right?” He asked, suddenly uncertain now that you weren’t wrapped around each other anymore.

 

“I’ll go anywhere for you.”

 

Bucky smiled and your heart leapt. You ignored the rock in your stomach that told you were playing with fire. That you  _ couldn’t  _ stay with this beautiful man and you were going to break his heart.

 

It was inevitable.

  
  



	2. How You Talk

_ Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Tick Tock. _

 

The clock counting down to your departure from the States and to Cambodia where you would spend at least six months treating and vaccinating people there was getting louder everyday. You and Bucky had been seeing each other as often as possible for the last three weeks and with every moment you didn’t tell him about the fact that you were leaving was weighing heavily on you. What was once a rock in your stomach was now a boulder. Soon, it would be a whole mountain within your limbs and prevent you from moving at all.

 

_ Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Tick Tock. _

  
  


_ *** _

 

“Hey, doll, you okay, today? You’ve been real quiet.”

 

“I- I uh… I’m just tired, that’s all, Bucky.” Technically, this wasn’t a lie so you didn’t feel so guilty for a split second. You smiled up at him before dropping your gaze to the sidewalk again. 

 

“Well, if you’re tired, we could go back to mine and uh… I mean, it’s not that far, just a couple of blocks and… it’s real small though, you probably just want to go home, huh?”

 

“No! I need to spend this time with you!” You protest, pulling him to a stop and dragging him out of the way of the other people walking down the street. “I would love to see your apartment.”

 

Bucky narrowed his eyes at you. “I can see you tomorrow if you’re tired, doll. I… I know what will happen if I get you back to mine and- and I think we should… wait, maybe? I mean, I want to, so bad but-”

 

You put your palm over his mouth to quiet his words and worries, only removing it when he stilled and ducked so his forehead touched yours. You closed your eyes and hugged him, just resting for a minute. The problem was, Bucky was right, if you and he were alone, you knew very well that it would probably result in the full consummation of your relationship.

 

It had been a month since you and he had met in your office in your fathers building and the two of you had been seeing each other as regularly as possible since then.The connection that drew you two together, like moths to the flame, was becoming ever more potent the longer you spent alone with him. Bucky was the perfect gentleman, however, never taking things further than some heavy make out sessions where his hands wouldn’t stray lower than the small of your back or past your neck.

 

You were not so reserved though, every chance you got you would sneak your fingertips underneath whatever top he was wearing that day, trailing your fingers across that glorious smooth, warm and firm skin. Once, a few days previously, you had even been so bold as to grab his ass as you kissed you in the same park that you had first met him in. Bucky had growled in your ear and pushed you against the tree with the heart grown into it… kissed you until your lips were numb and you were throbbing in the best possible way…

 

The problem was, Bucky thought you had all the time in the world and you knew that you didn’t… and you knew that part of you wanted to take that step because then you could convince yourself that you couldn’t go. You could have a reason to stay in New York.

 

With Bucky.

 

Bucky’s lips were on your neck, trailing up to meet with your own and coaxing you back into the bright and sunny clarity of the present and not into the murky and opaque of the future. You moaned into the kiss, carding your fingers through his hair and pressing yourself as close as possible to him, sighing when his arms wrapped around you and-

 

And your phone buzzed in your pocket, making you jump.

 

“Crap!”

 

You pulled it out and read the text from your father: CAN YOU COME HOME? NEED TO DISCUSS TRAVEL ARRANGEMENTS.

 

“Shit.” You scowl at your phone screen and quickly put it in your pocket before Bucky could see it. “I, uh, I really do have to go. I forgot that I was supposed to be seeing my dad tonight. I’m sorry.”

 

“Hey, it’s okay. Call me later, doll? Maybe next time you can come to mine? I can even cook for you, I’m actually pretty good.” Bucky boasted, his crystal blue eyes lighting up with an enthusiasm you hadn’t seen before when he talked about anything else.

 

“Okay, babe. I’ll text you later. I love you.”

 

“Love you, too.”

 

You quickly kissed him again before running off to get the subway home, tears threatening to fall. You did love him, regardless of how crazy it was. It had only taken you a week to say it.

 

_ Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Tick Tock. _

 

***

 

“I feel like I’ve barely seen you, Y/N. Are you okay?”

 

You barely look up at your father when he questioned you over dinner. How could you tell him that you were second guessing your decision to go and be a humanitarian doctor? After everything he had done for you, and you were willing to give it all up for a man. He would be so disappointed in you. Oddly, you didn’t think that he would actually care about Bucky being someone from the “other side of the tracks”, as it were. As he was pretty vocal about in any interviews he deigned to give, he, himself, had come from a less than privileged background. He would be disappointed that you would shun your career in favour of love, like so many other socialites who were now miserable. He didn’t want that for you, you knew that.

 

“I’m okay, dad. Just stressed about leaving, I guess.”  _ And I don’t want to leave, dad! I want to stay with the man I love! I only just found him! _

 

You didn’t say it out loud. Your true thoughts remained firmly in your head.

 

“I am so proud of you.” Your father’s eyes shone with emotion as he regarded you over the table. “You are so much like your mother, she was an adventurer, too. Nothing held her back. Not even me, not that I ever tried of course, I would’ve followed her anywhere.”

 

You ducked your eyes to your food and stuffed some in your mouth so you couldn’t respond, thoughts of your long dead mother were always a sure way to get you bawling. You wished she was still here, she would have the best advice for this situation. Cancer though… it didn’t care that she was young, and rich, and beautiful with a doting husband and a 10 year old daughter. It took her, anyway.

 

“I know, dad. I miss her, too.” You close your eyes, picturing your mother and, almost like she was there in front of you, she smiled and gestured to your father, her meaning couldn’t have been any more plain. 

 

Taking a breath, you looked up at your dad, deciding to tell him about Bucky. “Dad, can I talk to you about this Red Cross trip? I need to tell you something and-” Your phone buzzed in your lap, just as your father’s rang as well, cutting off your words.

 

“Yeah? When? Okay, well, I guess I’ll have to come in then. No, it’s fine, I’ll be there quicker, anyway, I’m at Y/N’s. Okay. bye.” Your father hung the phone up and walked around to you. “I am so sorry, something has happened at work and I have to go in. I’ll have to catch up with you about this trip tomorrow, okay?”

 

“Yeah, sure dad. See you later.” You absently kiss his cheek and disappear into your bedroom, sighing when you hear the door open and then shut when he leaves. What were you going to do?

 

_ Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Tick Tock. _

 

***

 

It was now another month gone, you only had one more month until you left and you still hadn’t told Bucky. You had been avoiding him, ignoring texts, diverting phone calls and any that you did bother to answer you were short and clipped. You were trying to test how difficult it would be when you left, how long you could stand to be apart and it hurt, so much more than you were expecting, and you had been expecting it to hurt a lot.

 

Now though, Bucky had called you, begged you to come and see him. The way he sounded on the voicemail… your heart almost broke and you felt like the world’s worst excuse for a human being. So, squaring your shoulders, you put on the nicest sundress you had, put on a light make up, and headed to Bucky’s apartment to tell him everything.

 

When you got there, the atmosphere was foreboding, the heat had been slowly dying but it hadn’t rained in months and, looking at the sky above, it looked like the God of all Thunderstorms was coming for New York. Shivering at the sudden cold blast of wind, you pulled your jacket tighter around you and ran from the subway to Bucky’s.

 

You buzzed and were rewarded when he let you in immediately, almost like he was waiting for you. His apartment was on the ground floor, you only knew this because you had met him here once, tonight would be the first time you were inside it. The probability of tonight going further than talking was high and, though you may want him desperately, you were repeatedly telling yourself to wait and hold off.

 

Bucky needed to know.

 

He was waiting for you at the door, wearing a deep blue shirt with dark denim jeans. His hair was brushed back from his face, he looked incredible and beautiful and so damn gorgeous and it almost broke your heart. As soon as you got to him, he took your wrist in his hand and pulled you to him, hooking his arm around your waist and lifting you from your feet so he could drag you inside and kick the door closed with his foot.

 

“I missed you so much! Why have you been ignoring me, doll? What did I do?”

 

“You didn’t do anything, I’m so sorry! I just got busy and I know you were working so hard too and I didn’t want to bother you!”

 

“You could never bother me!” Bucky put you down on your feet and took your face in his palms, he looked into your eyes, those clear blue orbs seeing straight through to your soul. “Y/N, I love you, so much! I don’t care about who you are, what money your dad has! I just want you, okay? Now and forever and I get that your life is going to be more hectic than mine, you’re a doctor and you’re gonna do great things, but… please, don’t shut me out again? Either take my heart or break it, but don’t toss it aside like it’s not worth it.”

 

You gaped at him, like a fish, completely bowled over by what he had just said. This man couldn’t be more transparent if he tried, couldn’t be more open and honest and the best man in the whole world. You carded your fingers through his hair and swallowed thickly… you knew now that you had left it too late. No matter what you did, you were going to lose him. You would hurt him.

 

“Bucky… I…” You stammered and looked to the ceiling, trying to avoid those eyes that were so filled with love laced with pain. “I- I- have to g-go-”

 

“What?! You just got here!”

 

“No!” You shook your head and closed your eyes, “I mean, I have to leave and-”

 

“Leave me?” Bucky whispered and stepped back, leaving you cold. “So… I guess you will break my heart then.”

 

“No! That’s not- I mean, I don’t have a choice! I-!”

 

“It’s your dad, then? He’s making you leave me? I knew I wasn’t good enough for you!”

 

Tears fell, you couldn’t stop them and you hated yourself for that. “Bucky, babe, please! My dad doesn’t know, yet, it’s not-”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

You stop moving towards him at the anger in his voice. Bucky’s hands are in his pockets and his jaw muscle is twitching in agitation and you realise, just one second too late, what you said and how it sounded. “No! I will tell him!I just hav- haven’t yet and-”

 

“Because you can’t. I’m just a no good working man, right? High school dropout who had to go to community college to get a basic engineering qualification to fix the shit you rich folks break all the time.”

 

“Bucky, that’s not-”

 

“No, it’s okay.” Bucky surreptitiously wiped his eyes and sniffed. “I was too caught up in how lucky I was to realise that this was all a dream that could never be a reality. You want to know something even stupider, Y/N?”

 

You didn’t answer. You couldn’t.

 

“I began to think that if I had you, nothing was impossible. I told you I love cooking, right? Well, I started watching more shows and trying to make my own recipes and, well, I think they’re good. I was going to cook for you tonight… maybe get your advice on where I could go to school or get a job in a decent kitchen or… well,” Bucky finally looked up at you, and it was like when he looked at you in the office, all over again. Your breath caught and your knees went weak, this time though, Bucky was looking at you with no love in his eyes. “It doesn’t matter now. Pretty little rich girl is too good for me and my dreams don’t mean shit. I think you should leave.”

 

“You never let me finish.” You whisper, helplessly. “You’re just like all those people all my life, don’t let me finish a sentence because it didn’t begin how you wanted it to.” Bucky scoffed and turned away, leaving you glaring at his back. “I can’t stay with you because I’m not staying in the States, James. In a month I’m going to Cambodia with the Red Cross and I’ll be gone for a long time. This, by the way, was all arranged before you came to fix the air conditioning.”

 

Bucky’s shoulders tensed at the use of his given name but he didn’t turn around.

 

“I should’ve said, and I am so sorry that I didn’t. I know I’ve hurt you and I have no excuses for that except I am a coward who was too caught up in being loved for the first time to let you go. You are the best thing that ever happened to me, James. I’m sorry I broke your heart but don’t ever think that you weren’t worth it because you are. Bye, Bucky.”

 

You couldn’t talk anymore, your throat was too thick with barely repressed tears so you fumbled with his door and threw it open, ignorant of it banging against the wall and leaving a small dent. You just needed air, some space, a private spot where you could cry and break down and mourn your loss before you had to put your best face on for people whose lives were infinitely worse off than your own.

 

You run out into the open and feel your breath leave in a whoosh as a deluge of ice cold rain water hits you, soaking you through in seconds. It was fine, though. The rain fell down your face in thick rivulets and your tears were completely masked.

 

You wrapped your sodden jacket around you more firmly and started walking… to where you weren’t even sure, the only thing on your mind was Bucky’s face when he thought he heard you breaking up with him and-

 

Your upper arm was grabbed and you were spun around, staring into the crystal blue eyes of James “Bucky” Barnes, his long lashes beaded with rain water and tears. They darted around your face, taking in your features and then lower to the dress that was now molded to your curves, thanks to the rain. You started shivering but you still couldn’t speak, not until you knew what he wanted to say. A second later, Bucky broke the silence.

 

“If all we have is a month than I am not wasting it by acting like an asshole to my best girl. I am so sorry I accused you of that shit and I am so fucking proud of you!”

 

“I should’ve told you sooner! You could’ve left me and-”

 

“Shut up, Y/N and kiss me, I just need you, that’s all I’ve ever needed!”

 

Your mouths met, tongues clashing and his taste flooded your senses, you felt warm even though you were cold. You felt safe, even though you were soon to be adrift. And you felt loved. Loved wholly and completely, even though you couldn’t stay with him. It wasn’t fair but you couldn’t, you  _ wouldn’t  _ change it. 

  
  


Bucky picked you up and you wrapped your legs around that trim waist, the wet through material of his shirt was freezing against your inner thighs and you shivered in his arms. Bucky almost ran you through to his apartment and took you through to his bedroom. The passion and desperation in his eyes made it very clear that he was not wasting any more time. He placed you down on the bed, uncaring that you were soaked through and making the sheets wet, and knelt in front of you. He kissed you again before pulling back and smirking a wicked smirk you had never seen before and you shivered again but this time wasn’t from the cold.

 

“I’m gonna warm you up, doll. From the inside out.”

  
  
  



	3. How You Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lot's of smut in this chapter so please only read if you're 18+

“ _ I’m going to warm you up, doll. From the inside out.” _

****

Bucky’s promise rang in your head as you sat on his bed, your hands sat demurely in your lap and Bucky’s palms on your knees as he crouched down in front of you.

****

“Uhhh… w-what? H-how-” You wished that your stammering was just lust induced nerves but you really  _ were  _ freezing cold and your chattering teeth were genuinely making your speech hard.

****

“Crap.” Bucky placed a quick kiss to your lips and jumped up. “Okay, do me a favour, doll? Get out of those clothes and into bed.”

****

“What?!” You yelped. Honestly, you had expected a  _ little  _ bit more romance from Bucky, even if you  _ were  _ leaving him and even if you did look like a drowned rodent. “B-B-Bucky-!”

****

“No, honey, I meant get warm! I’m going to go and get some towels and get your clothes dry.”

****

“Oh… oh-k-kay…” You nod but you still don’t move, nerves and anxiety spiral within you, paralysing you. Could you really do this now? You knew without a shadow of a doubt that if you stripped down and Bucky stripped down and you both got into that bed to “get warm” then you would  _ definitely not  _ be able to keep your hands off of him… and you were leaving… 

****

“I- Bucky- what...what if you  _ hate  _ me, afterwards?” You whisper, looking at the floor. “What if you realise you made a terrible mistake by running back for me? I can’t stay and being with you will only make this harder for us.” You hear Bucky’s derisive snort and you look up, sharply to see Bucky’s eye roll and scowl.

****

“Hard? You think me making love to you and watching you leave will be  _ hard?!” _ Bucky shook his head and thrust his hands into his hair in frustration. “The only thing that will be hard, Y/N, is knowing that I let you go without trying to-”

****

You suck in a breath and stare at him as he bites his lip and struggles to say what is really on his mind.

****

“What, Bucky? Try to what?” You’re still cold, rain water is still dripping steadily from your hairline down your neck and onto the bed sheets, so you stand. “I love you and I want you but I am not going to lie to you anymore, Bucky. I can’t let those things stop me from going. You can rock my world all you want and I’ll cry and I’ll hold you and I’ll wish you would never let me go… but I still _will_ go. I owe it to these people, Bucky.”

****

“Why?” 

****

Your eyes burned with tears as Bucky’s voice cracked at the end of that simple word and your throat becomes too thick to talk so you just shake your head.

****

“Why, Y/N?!” Bucky implored, “Why do you have to go?! People need you here, too! So many people need doctors, not just those on the other side if the planet! I need you.” 

****

“Bucky… I promised myself after mom… after she d-died… I promised myself that I w-would-” You stopped yourself, you couldn’t continue. Your shaking started again, the heat of temper and frustration giving way to the cold air in the huge space between you and Bucky.

****

“I love you.” You say to him, knowing it wasn’t enough.

****

“I know.” Bucky replied.

****

You both stared at each other, waiting for the other to back down. The longer you looked at Bucky the more your shaking increased until Bucky broke and came back to you, pulling you up against him and kissing you.

****

“I love you, too. I want you.. for however long I can have you.” His vow came as he trailed kisses across your jaw.

****

Soft and sweet, his lips moved across your skin, heat bloomed wherever his lips touched and you arched against him. Bucky reached your lips again and coaxed your mouth open with small nips with his teeth, gentle swipes with his tongue to soothe any hurt and then sweeping into your mouth when you opened for him. Your body became soft and pliant in his arms and, though you were technically still cold, your blood was growing ever warmer and your clothes began to feel too heavy and abrasive against your skin.

****

Bucky’s hands moved to your face and down to your shoulders where he grasped the fabric of your jacket and started to tug at it until it dropped from your shoulders and to the floor with a soft thud. The air chilled you again and goosebumps rose on your arms, you burrowed impossibly closer to the warmth you could feel burning through Bucky’s shirt.

****

“Doll, I can feel you still shivering, I really don’t want you to get sick so, please, get into bed and get warm?”

****

His palms were running up and down your exposed arms, slowly the goosebumps died away as did your reservations. You nodded your head against his neck where you were nuzzling, trying to get his scent embedded into your memory, and reached in front of yourself to where the buttons on the front of your dress were. You paused when your fingers met Bucky’s and slowly raised your eyes to meet his. The blue in his eyes had always captivated you, how the colour could easily be described as “ice blue”, “crystal blue”, “arctic blue” and yet, you never saw anything but warmth in them.

****

Now though, you didn’t just see warmth, you saw heat and your heart started to pound.

****

“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, doll. I really do just want you to get warm, I promise. I shouldn’t have ever let you run out of here like that.”

****

Bucky sounded quietly furious with himself and you almost smiled but you didn’t want to encourage him feeling bad, you just wanted Bucky to  _ feel _ .

****

“I w-want to… really, I just-” your fingers drop from your buttons and hold onto Bucky’s wrists, pulling him closer so his hands were trapped in between your bodies, “I want to get you out of your wet clothes, too.” Your fingers travelled up his forearms to the buttons on his shirt and you popped the top one open.

****

“Ah fuck, doll.” Bucky groaned before crashing his lips back down on yours and going to the fastenings on your clothes, almost tearing the fabric in his hurry to get your dress off of you.

****

Your hands made quick work of the buttons on his shirt, even with the water soaked fabric they slid out of the holes easily and you soon had a beautifully shirtless Bucky under your fingertips. Your palms petted and shaped the hard and slightly cool muscles of his torso and along his shoulders, you whined when he tugged at your arms so he could get the dress off of your body but you stopped when the air finally hit your skin making you shiver again.

****

You both had stopped and pulled away from each other, breathing hard and taking each other in. Bucky’s eyes grew dark as he took in the pretty lingerie that you had picked out for him… you had hoped the day would end up with the two of you tangled together in his sheets and you wanted to look as sexy as possible for him.

****

You began to squirm as his eyes, now almost black with lust, racked you over from the top of your head and all the way down to your feet, which were still encased in the ankle boots that you wore. Bucky swallowed convulsively and, still, all he did was stare… as if he couldn’t bear to look away. Your arms started twitching, wanting to cover yourself and you spoke into the heavy silence.

****

“You… you like what you see, Bucky? I bought these for you.”

****

“You are so goddamn beautiful, doll. C’mere.”

****

Bucky’s voice was husky and low and a different kind of heat pooled low in your belly. You gasped when he pulled you back to him and he wrapped both arms around you, crushing you to him. Bucky began walking you back and you tumbled back on the bed.

****

Bucky’s lips were moulded against yours, his kisses chasing away the cold quicker than any towels or blankets could’ve done.

****

“Bucky… please…”

****

“What do you need, doll? Tell me.”

****

“You… God, I need you.”

****

Bucky smiled into the kiss, holding your face to his and covering you with his body. The jeans he still wore did absolutely nothing to hide his growing arousal from you and you arched against him, needing more contact, more touching, you needed to feel  _ everything. _

****

You whined when Bucky’s lips left yours and started travelling down your body, across your collar bones and into the valley between your breasts. You lifted up from the bed slightly when Bucky moved his hands behind you to the clasp on your bra.

****

“Is this-?”

****

“Yes!”

****

A low chuckle and your bra was being slid from your arms and thrown away somewhere behind Bucky. His gaze landed on your exposed chest and you barely had time to feel any nerves or trepidation at being so exposed before his hands took both breasts in his palms and his head was ducking down to them to take a nipple into his mouth. You cry out at the warm and wet sensation and at the feel of his tongue rasping over the sensitive tip.

****

“So pretty. So gorgeous. I can’t believe you’re mine…”

****

“Bucky… feels so good, babe...please.”

****

Minutes or hours later, you didn’t even care, Bucky lifted his head from your chest to kiss you again, covering you entirely. Your hands immediately went to the waistline of his jeans, trying to push them down so Bucky lifted up and shimmied out of them, his face holding a cheeky grin that almost made you swoon.

****

As soon as he was down to his boxers, kneeling over you and looking like a disheveled and beautiful God come to ruin the impressionable mortal at his feet, your hands went to his erection which was straining at the fabric encasing it.

****

“No, doll, don’t.” Bucky’s hands grabbed yours and he shook his head, smirking all the while.

****

“Why? I want to touch you, too.”

****

“Later, maybe. Now is all about me taking my time with you, doll. You touch me or put your pretty mouth on me? I’ll probably cum way too quick and make a fool of myself.”

****

You giggle but it quickly turns to a pout, “You look like you would barely fit in my mouth, anyway. I wonder how good it will feel when you’re buried inside me, Bucky? I don’t want to wait any longer to find out.”

****

A growl came rumbling up from Bucky’s chest and you found yourself pinned underneath him again, gasping in delight when he attacked your neck and your mouth with kisses that were almost bruising in their intensity.

****

His hands were everywhere at once, thumbing over your nipples, squeezing your hips, grabbing at your ass but not  _ once,  _ did Bucky touch you where you desperately needed him to. You were almost keening with need, trying to touch as much of him as possible but he would pull your hands away when they tried to touch his cock.

****

“Bucky! Please let me touch you! I need you so badly…”

****

“Oh yeah? Let’s check, doll… are you wet for me, yet? Are these pretty lace panties soaked through?” Bucky’s fingertips ghosted over the fabric covering you, close but so  _ far,  _ from where you truly needed him. “I want you to be dripping, doll. I want to slide right into you to the hilt and never fucking leave.”

****

Your heart hurt at his words. You wanted the same thing. But it couldn’t happen.

****

You didn’t say anything, your words and thoughts were robbed when Bucky suddenly cupped your cunt over the fabric of your panties and rubbed, gently.

****

“Oh,  _ shit,  _ darlin’. You are fucking  _ soaked!” _

****

“Bu-Bu- _ ucky!”  _ You cry out and put your hand over your mouth when his hand moved under the crotch of the lace and he slid one long finger inside of you, moving in and out and reaching that spot deep inside that made you see stars.

****

“So tight… you’re gonna feel so good on my cock, Y/N…”

****

Bucky licked a soft trail up your neck before he kissed you, then he sat up, and all his concentration was now on your pussy. “Look at you… so pretty and wet…” His finger left your body and you groaned, making Bucky chuckle. “Don’t worry, doll, I’m coming back, just want to get you out of these panties. I would rip them but I don’t like the idea of you leaving here without wearing them.”

****

You couldn’t care less at this point about how your last covering came off, or in what condition it was when it did, as long as Bucky didn’t stop touching you!

****

Bucky quickly removed your underwear followed by your shoes, now you were naked, he went back to work on your pussy, looming over you and making you impossibly wetter. Two fingers slid back inside you, and the fingers of his other hand went to your clit and started rubbing small circles against it. You were almost continuously moaning, your hips were moving all on their own, fucking his fingers shamelessly.

****

“That’s it, doll, get yourself off on me… come on, cum all  _ over _ my fingers…” Bucky thrust inside and pressed firmly against your g-spot and you  _ screamed _ your pleasure to the ceiling. The heat inside you boiled over and wave after wave of ecstasy rolled over you until you were almost boneless against the mattress and breathless.

****

“Mmmm…” Bucky licked his fingers clean and smiled, smugly, down at you. “So perfect.”

****

“Unnnfffuuuuhhh….” You were less than articulate in that moment but Bucky seemed to understand perfectly. He moved back over you, his hair falling forward and providing a veil to block out everything else. His body blanketed yours as he settled his hips in between your legs.

****

“You liked that, doll? Huh? Talk to me, Y/N… I want to know everything you’re feeling.”

****

“Good…. I feel… that was… so,  _ so…  _ good.” You finished, lamely. You tried to gather your thoughts but all you could do was stare at him. “Thank you.”

****

“Don’t thank me, doll.” Bucky kissed you softly and smiled, “Not yet, anyway.”

****

Bucky kissed you again, deepening it as soon as possible and you moaned into his mouth, the feel of his boxers against your still sensitive core sent sparks shooting through you and you could feel your arousal building again.

****

“I can feel you soaking through this fabric, doll. You think you’re ready for me? I don’t want to wait, Y/N… I feel like I’m gonna cum as soon as I’m buried inside you as it is.”

****

“Please, Bucky, take off your damn underwear and fuck me already!”

****

You swearing at him seemed to uncork something in Bucky and next thing the kisses became less soft and sweet and more urgent, needy. Like Bucky wasn’t trying to hold back anymore. His underwear was barely pulled down and over his ass before his cock was nudging at your entrance.

****

Bucky took a grip of his length and ran the tip up and down your entrance, gathering your slick and repeatedly nudging your clit making you gasp. 

****

“I love you, Y/N.”

****

“I love you, too, Bucky.”

****

You pulled him down to you, pouring all the adoration that you had for him, all your regret for how this was going to turn out, in this kiss. You were desperately trying to show him how much you loved him with just a kiss.

****

Bucky pushed into you, his cock stretching you out in the best possible way and you clung to his back and wrapped your legs around his waist, trying to take him in as deep as he could go, clamping down on his dick so that he could never leave.

****

Bucky’s arms moved under you and wrapped around you, cocooning you within them so all you could see, smell, taste and  _ feel  _ was Bucky.

****

He moved slowly inside you, taking his time, like he never wanted it to end. His blue eyes never left yours, you both just stared and tried to memorise each other, in this moment. This was going to be the memory that would  _ have  _ to get you through your separation.

****

It had to.

****

His hips started rolling faster and you moved yours in time with his, meeting every thrust. Bucky dropped his head to your neck and his gasps and pants and groans rang in your ear, driving you to hold onto him tighter, pull him in deeper.

****

“I love you so fucking much!”

****

“Me too, oh God! I’ll love you always!”

****

You cry out, your orgasm hits you like a freight train and you wrap your limbs around him tighter, wanting him to  _ feel  _ how he made you cum, how no other man had ever done, how you knew no one else ever would, again. Your nails scratch down his shoulders and your ankles dig into his ass.

****

You wanted him marked physically. Your love left as brands on his skin so he could  _ never  _ forget how you felt.

****

Bucky’s hips now piston into you, you’re helpless but to hold on for the ride and you embrace it, screaming and crying out for him to fuck you as hard as possible. You wanted those inner muscles tested and pushed to their limits.

****

On a groan and a whisper of your name, like a prayer, Bucky cums inside of you, holding you as close as possible to him. You hold him back, your whole body shaking with the aftershocks of your orgasm. Bucky softens and slips out of you and you close your eyes against the loss. 

****

“You were perfect.” Bucky whispers in your ear.

****

“So were you.” You kiss the side of his neck. “I knew you would be.”

****

Nothing else was said for a while. What else could you say?

****

***

****

It was hours later, the sun was rising and Bucky’s apartment was slowly filling with sunlight that exposed the wreck that was Bucky’s bed and the mess of tangled sheets and scattered pillows. It softened, too, casting everything in a golden glow that made you all too aware that in one months time, you wouldn’t be watching the same sunrise as Bucky, anymore.

****

“Tell me about your mom. About… about why.”

****

You were sprawled on top of Bucky, your ear was pressed to his chest and his steady heartbeat was almost lulling you to sleep. You were glad for the question, even if it did make tears prick your eyes.

****

You didn’t want to waste time sleeping.

****

“My mom had breast cancer, she found out when I was nine and was gone by the time I was ten.”

****

“I’m so sorry, doll. Listen, I shouldn’t have-”

****

“My parents tried everything they could to cure her.” You continue, ignoring Bucky’s interruption. “And, the thing is, they could afford to. Every treatment that was available at the time, every drug… they tried it all but, in the end, it didn’t matter because none of it helped and she died. But my mom was a fighter, you know? She told me that it was okay to lose sometimes, as long as you tried. Some things are just too hard to beat but she died knowing that she had exhausted every option that was available to her.”

****

Bucky’s arms tightened around you. “That’s why you’re going, isn’t it? To help people who don’t have that option.”

****

“These people, Bucky. Women, men, kids… old and young… they get sick and die from things that are so laughingly treatable over here, Bucky! But they don’t have the access or the options my parents had! I grew up with so much money and it didn’t help my mom but at least it was there! These people… I can’t not go, babe… I wish I could stay, I wish I could be content to be a doctor here and help families that need it here but… I can’t. I’m sorry.”

****

“How long will you be gone?” Bucky’s voice was sad and your lower lip trembled. You took a shaky breath before raising your eyes to meet his.

****

“Two years.”

****

“Oh, shit. Oh, doll… I promise I’ll wait for you… I won’t hold you back and I’ll wait for you but…”

****

You both stare at each other, you could see the tears in his eyes through the ones that were filling yours.

****

“I’m really going to miss you, Y/N.”

****

“Oh, Bucky… I’m going to miss you, too. I love you, please know that.”

****

“It’s the only thing I do know. No matter what, you and me? We belong together, I knew it the first time I laid eyes on you. You’re my everything.”

****

You kiss Bucky, unable to say anything else. You didn’t want to leave, but you knew you couldn’t stay.

****

No matter how you felt, the decision had been made.

****  
  



	4. How You Leave

**Three weeks until you leave.**

****

The last few days had been absolute bliss, you and Bucky had barely left his apartment and opted to stay in bed and talk and giggle and make love and absolutely not, under any circumstances, bring up that you were going to be leaving in less than a month. You knew it was very stupid to avoid it, but you also knew that the two of you just needed some time to enjoy the wonders of being in a relationship with someone you genuinely loved, for however long that you could.

****

Currently, you were wrapped up in his blankets and wearing one of his shirts and waiting patiently for him to finish cooking you breakfast, your stomach eagerly awaiting what he was whipping up. When Bucky had said he was a good cook you had, in your feminine wisdom, assumed he was a “good cook” and that his skills only went so far as heating some pre cooked meals in the oven or, perhaps, being very skilled in calling the local take out restaurant.

****

You were pleasantly surprised, however, when Bucky went grocery shopping and came back with nothing but fresh produce and had gone into a creative frenzy in his very small kitchen, cooking you a three course meal that you honestly would pay top dollar for in any of New York's most exclusive restaurants. Ever since then, Bucky had been doing all the cooking and you were definitely feeling spoiled.

****

“Bucky?”

****

“Hmmmm?”

****

You took the plate from him with a smile and almost moaned when the scrambled eggs hit your tongue, “Oooo…m’god… ‘ese are ‘stho ‘oood!”

****

Bucky stared at you in mild disgust which just made you start giggling. “Uh… what? Don’t they teach you socialites how to not talk with your mouths full, Princess?”

****

“Haha.” You swallow your food and level him with a look. “You weren’t complaining last night when I had my mouth wrapped around your di-!”

****

“Hey, none of that until you’re done eating, Y/N! I would hate to take you across my knee for back talk.”

****

You almost choke at the thought and squirm a little, suddenly feeling hot and needy. Again. This was another thing you were trying to avoid looking too closely at, Bucky and you together, intimately, was like nothing you had ever experienced with any of your previous lovers. It was sublime perfection every time you were together. His touch and words could bring you to heights that you had never even tried to reach because, honestly, you didn’t even know they were there.

****

Being without him was going to be beyond hard.

****

“Come on, Y/N, I’m only joking with ya. Now, what did you want to ask me?”

****

You jump a little, realising that you had drifted off into your thoughts and had been staring at your food for way too long.

****

“Huh?! Oh, sorry.” You shake your head and look at him, taking another bite of your food. You chew slowly, savouring the taste before swallowing it down. “I was wondering what you had tried, in terms of going to cooking school? You’re amazing already but, you shouldn’t be slumming in some diner or chain restaurant, Bucky! You should be opening your own place!”

****

“And how will I do that, Y/N? Hmmm? I ain’t got no money.”

****

You shrug off his defeatist attitude, “So? You must have some savings?”

****

“You don’t come down to my level all too often, huh?” Bucky smiled at you and shook his head. “I have about two grand squirreled away, doll. I don’t exactly get paid loads and most of it ends up on bills or giving some to my ma. Not a lot left over for me.”

****

“Okay, but… you do have some…” you think for a minute, biting your lip and staring into space. “You know…” you look at Bucky eventually and smile slyly at him, “you don’t need a lot to invest, to build your own money. I could help you, before I- uh… before I go.”

****

Both your and Bucky’s smiles drop at the mention of you leaving but, thankfully, Bucky doesn’t dwell on it.

****

“How would that even work?”

****

“Well, where’s your computer?”

****

One frustrated eyebrow raise was sent your way and Bucky gestured to the sparsely furnished space behind him, “Does it look like I have a computer, doll?”

****

“Oh, come on…” You facepalm dramatically before taking his hand and standing up. “Come on! Let’s go computer shopping! It’s on me and don’t even try and tell me no!”

****

“What?!” Bucky yelps and pulls you to a halt, “You can’t just do that, Y/N! I don’t need your damn money or-!”

****

You place your fingertips over his lips to quiet him down and stare at him, willing yourself to not cry and to be strong in this moment.

****

“I know you don’t and I’m not offering this because I think too little of you, Bucky, you should know better by now. But, I  _ did _ grow up with money, okay? I have a lot in the bank, and I actually earned some of it myself, because my dad taught me some of his tricks with investing, so, I want to teach you! All I’m doing is helping you with equipment to earn your own money, not handing you a sack with a dollar sign on it with wads of cash inside, okay?”

****

Bucky nibbled on his lower lip, deep in thought, before sighing. “Okay. Fine. But, only a basic model, okay? If all I need it for is this, then it doesn’t need to be top of the line with loads of fancy, schmancy extras that no one uses anyway.”

****

“It needs to have a camera, though.” You add, quietly, and Bucky’s eyes widen slightly when he realises the reason why.

****

“Yeah. I’m happy for it to have a camera so I can still see you.”

****

“Good.” You smile and kiss him, “So, come on! Let’s go shopping!”

****

“Doll, we need to get dressed first.”

****

You look down at your bare legs and the baggy shirt in confusion. “Oh, yeah.”

****

***

****

**Two weeks until you leave.**

****

You weren’t nervous. Nope. You were just hungry which was why your hands were shaking. It had absolutely  _ nothing  _ to do with the fact that you were sat in your father’s dining room across from him whilst Bucky cooked the three of you a meal and this was the first time the two most important men in your life had met.

****

Or, well, met  _ officially. _

****

Three days previously, Bucky and you had been enjoying a very nice make out session in front of a movie at his place when his door had knocked. Bucky had growled and pulled away, yelling at the door, “WHAT?!”

****

Your blood had frozen in your veins when your fathers unmistakable voice sounded from the other side, “I’m Mr Y/L/N. Think you might want to check that attitude, Mr Barnes.”

****

Bucky’s face went pale and you laughed with just a touch of hysteria, “Oooopppsss… I didn’t tell my dad where I was.”

****

“Ohmigod… Y/N!! What the hell…” 

****

You both stood from the couch and walked to the door, taking a deep breath, Bucky gently pushed you behind him and opened it up, squaring his shoulders as he did so.

****

“Mr Y/L/N, I am so sorry that we made you worry, but I promise that Y/N is fine and I love her to death and-”

****

“Tomorrow night at my apartment, I want to see you there at five and you can cook me and Y/N one of your famous meals, Mr Barnes. The private eye I had to hire to find my daughter says that you are a really excellent chef.” Your father looked like he was trying to suppress a smile, “Miss Jones also said your had a “slammin’ ass” but that bit of advice came for free and was completely unsolicited.”

****

“Dad, I’m-”

****

“It’s okay, Y/N, I understand being in love.” Your father finally looked at you and you got choked up as you nodded, “But I want to see my daughter, too, before she leaves, so, come on now. You can spend the rest of the evening with me and tell me all about how wonderful this man is.”

****

“Dad…” You whine. “I’m sorry I didn’t call, I just… can I have a minute with Bucky?”

****

Your father frowned. “Seriously, what kind of a name is-?”

****

“DAD!”

****

“Alright, Jesus, I’ll see you in the car!” Your father “glared” at you before turning back to Bucky. “I want to like you, Mr Barnes. You remind me of me, except of course, nowhere near as smart or good looking.”

****

With that weird parting shot, your father turned on his heel and left, leaving Bucky to call weakly after him, “It was nice to meet you, sir!”

****

“So,” you say after a moment, “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?”

****

You had left after a few more minutes and then spent the next twenty four hours begging your father to reconsider making Bucky cook for you two. Nothing worked, however. Your dad was adamant that he wanted to know how good of a cook “the man who was spending so much time with my only daughter” was.

****

“I love him, Dad.” You say into the awkward silence. Bucky had turned up an hour ago, smiled a huge smile at the sight of the huge kitchen and promised to make something that you dad would love. You knew he could but you were also stressed that your dad was going to try and push Bucky away, just because you were leaving.

****

“I know, pumpkin.” Your dad smiles at your glare and takes your hand, giving it a squeeze. “You two look at each other the same way your mom and I did when we thought no one was looking.”

****

“Really?” You whisper. You dad hardly ever talked about your mom… her death had forced him into being the type of parent he hadn’t expected to be and, to deal with raising a daughter effectively, he shut out his dead wife unless he was in private. 

****

It had taken you two many long years to get to a point where you could talk to each other and be open.

****

“Yeah, really really.”

****

“What do I do, dad? I miss him, already. I miss  _ you,  _ already! I want to do this but… what if I w-wait a bit, maybe? What if I hold off and go back to medical school here and-!”

****

“Yeah, you could…” your father interrupted, carefully. “You could do whatever you wanted, here. Private practice or work at one of the city hospitals, God knows they need all the help they can get…”

****

You stare at the table and try to picture it. And fail.

****

“Or, you could do what you dreamed about and have faith in that Bucky will be here, waiting for you.”

****

That felt right in your bones. You knew that he would wait and, whenever possible, you would come back for visits and he would do the same.

****

Two years though… how could you manage…

****

“I mean,” A deep rumbling laugh emanated from your father’s chest and his face creased in laughter, “what else are you going to do, Y/N? Take him with you?! Pumpkin, come on. Do your thing and if he’s a good enough guy, he’ll be here to pick you up from the airport when you get back.”

****

You sniffle but smile at your father, “Why not you? Won’t you want to see me safely back, Dad?”

****

“Me? Hell no I won’t! I’ll be bedding all those hot women the gossip websites keep on linking me with. It’ll only get worse when you leave, you know.”

****

You laugh and place a quick kiss to your dads cheek just as Bucky opens the door pushing a trolley with some absolutely beautiful looking food piled on the china plates. The smells wafting towards you immediately made your mouth flood with saliva and you couldn’t even talk to Bucky without drooling everywhere.

****

“Hey! I’m sorry if this is late, it took a minute to get to grips with that incredible hardware you have in there, Mr Y/LN and-”

****

“Bucky, this looks incredible, come on and sit down and let’s eat! I need to hear about your plans for this talent of yours, no way you should be fixing air conditioning when you can cook like this.”

****

Bucky went around the table and kissed you, apparently unfazed by your dad looking at him in amusement. “You okay, doll? Not tellin’ your old man every bad story you have about me, are you?”

****

“What bad stories, Bucky? Are you calling me a liar?” You grin up at him, “There are no bad stories about you, just amazing ones.”

****

“Uh huh.” Bucky smirked as he sat down and gestured to the food, “Please, eat up before it gets cold! I want to know what you think.”

****

You and your dad take a bite and, you genuinely couldn’t help it, you actually moaned in bliss when the incredible mix of flavours hit your tongue. You close your eyes to concentrate and chew slowly before swallowing it down. “Oh my God… this tastes so amazing, Bucky.”

****

“Mmmm…” Your dad is pulling a face as he eats that suggests he has entered a state of Nirvana and you stare at him, incredulously. “Mr Barnes, you have a talent.”

****

“Aww, no.” Bucky blushes and ducks his eyes but he can’t seem to help the smile that spreads across his face. “You… you really think so?”

****

“Definitely, but, I think I need to get through these courses, you know, just to be sure.” Your father winks at Bucky, making him grin and turn to you, the smile on his face making you so happy.

****

“Your dad likes me, Y/N! How about that!”

****

“I like your cooking.” Your dad replies, dryly but winks at you too and you relax.

****

You listen to them chat away in the background as you eat, barely paying attention to their talk of schools and managers and whatever else they were babbling on about. You only had one thought in your head and now it was there, you were surprised it had taken you so long to think of it…

****

The first course was eaten and taken away and your dad excused himself for a moment, so, you pulled out your phone and sent off a quick text.

****

“You okay, Y/N? You’ve been real quiet, I’m sorry if we’ve been ignoring you, just your dad was telling me all this information and-”

****

Your eyes snap up to Bucky’s from across the table and you take his hand in yours. “I love you.”

****

“I love you, too.” Bucky eyes you in clear confusion. “What’s wrong?”

****

“Just… I love that you and dad get along… I just wish I didn’t have to-”

****

“Hey,” Bucky quickly got up and made his way over to you, kneeling in front of you as he reached you, “no more feeling like that, okay? No matter where you are in the world, I know that you’re right here, where you belong.” Your hand was placed over his heart and your lip trembled. “And I’m in yours too. It’s just that simple.”

****

“You sound so sure. I wish I could be.”

****

“I waited all these years for you, Y/N. Two more isn’t going to make a difference.”

****

Bucky raised on his knees and kissed you, holding your face to his with one hand and wrapping his other arm around your waist to hold you closer to him. You held him back, revelling in the feel of him surrounding you, and hoping against hope that your text would come back with some good news.

****

Then you wouldn’t  _ have  _ to give him up, at all.

****

***

****

**One week until you leave.**

****

The last week had been hectic and you were almost climbing the walls with your need to see Bucky. You hadn’t really spent any time with him since the dinner with your father, between Bucky having to go back to work and you going to make sure your visa was finalised, attending training and seminars and various other legal things for your time in Cambodia, there just hadn’t been time.

****

Today, however, had been a very good day and you needed to see Bucky, straight away. You couldn’t wait to tell him the good news! You text him to say that you needed to see him and he had replied saying come over as soon as possible. Even though you had the bigger apartment, it was Bucky’s small studio apartment that you loved going to. It was comfy and cosy and eclectic and always smelled of a heady combination of Bucky’s creations and of Bucky himself. Yours, by contrast, was too modern and white and just didn’t hold the same warmth.

****

You get to Bucky’s and, as soon as he opens the door, you jump into his arms and kiss him, wrapping your legs around his waist. “Mmmm, God I missed you, Bucky.”

****

Bucky was kissing down your neck and moving you to the mattress, “Fuck, doll… I missed you too… I know you wanted to talk but, can we-?” 

****

“Yes…” Your hands were making short work of the buttons on his jeans and his t-shirt was swiftly discarded. “Talk can wait.”

Nothing else remotely sensible was said for while after that.

****

Later, you were both sat in his bed with some pizza in front of you and wearing identical satisfied grins when you finally decided to bring up your news to Bucky.

****

“So, I need to talk to you about something, Bucky.”

****

“Well, that’s awesome because, well, so do I. I got some pretty amazing news this morning.”

****

Bucky looked like he was about to pop, he looked so happy so you gesture towards him with your pizza slice, “You first.”

****

“Naw, you came over to talk to me! You first!”

****

“No, you go first!”

****

“You!”

****

“You!”

****

A quick wrestle match started with you screaming and giggling and Bucky tickling you mercilessly. You, somehow, manage to roll him onto his back and hover over him, straddling his hips and staring into those blue eyes that were bright, even in the gathering darkness. 

****

“I win. You go first, Bucky.”

****

“Oh God, fine!” Bucky laughed and placed his hands on your hips. “So, your dad called me this morning and… well… I got into the Institute of Culinary Education in New York, New York! He must’ve pulled some strings because I thought they were booked up and he’s going to help me with paying for it by getting me a job with this Chef Wilson who’s AMAZING and, wait, shit! Y/N!”

****

You couldn’t help it, as soon as you heard that he had a job in the city, doing what he loved, as well as getting into such a great school, you sat up and stared down at him in horror. You felt so happy for him, really, you did but… all of your plans were now in shards around your feet. You would be leaving in a week, and now, you would definitely be doing it on your own.

****

“I spoke to my boss, Bucky… he said you could come with me, help out in a non medical capacity in the camps we are going to. Cook food and build shelters and help take care of people, as long as you weren’t administering certain medication or attempting to diagnose… you could’ve come with me.”

****

Raising up on his forearms, Bucky’s face went pale, “You tried to get them to let me come with you? You… you want me there?”

****

“Not if it ruins your dreams, Bucky.”

****

“Wait… so I could go with you? Stay with you and help you?”

****

You shake your head and sniff, “No! This is your dream, Bucky! You have the chance to do what you always wanted! Do not give that up because I’m too scared to go without you!”

****

“You’re scared?” Bucky whispered, pulling himself up further so now you were facing each other in the middle of the bed with your legs around his waist. “Doll, I didn’t know, I should’ve thought about this! I can’t let you go alone if you’re scared! I’ll talk to your dad, we can put this off for two years, it’s fine, just-”

****

“Bucky, no.” You kiss him, softly. “I won’t take this away from you, I am so proud of you! It doesn’t matter how you got this opportunity, you deserve it and you should definitely take it.”

****

“I can’t believe this. You find a way for us to stay together and… we still can’t stay together.”

****

“Bucky… I’m not scared about doing this on my own, I always knew that I was going to.” You begin, slowly, trying to get the words right in your head before speaking them so Bucky would have no confusion. “What I’m scared about is… is knowing that I left you and you resenting me for it, and, I don’t know… finding some reason to leave me, to go off with some beautiful chef who knows the difference between all those different types of pastries.”

****

Bucky’s eyes were wide in shock but he didn’t interrupt you, the harder grip on your hips was the only indication that he was affected by your words.

****

“But you never, not once, tried to hold me back or make me feel guilty about doing this, because this was my dream, so, I won’t hold you back, Bucky. I want you to do this because I know you’ll succeed. I want you to do this because I love you and,” You take his palm and place it over your heart and rest your other palm on his cheek, “I have to remember that ever since I first saw you, this is where you have lived and this is where you will stay.”

****

“I would go with you.” Bucky took your palm and rested it on his chest. “I would follow you, if you ask me to.”

****

“And I would stay, if you want me to.” You reply, not bothering to wipe away the tear that fell.

****

Neither of you say a word, however. Your dreams may now include each other but they started out as something else, first.

****

***

****

**Three Hours Until You Leave**

****

“Where the hell is Barnes!” You dad growls as he looks around the airport in fury, “I swear, if he doesn’t show up then I will cancel his damn application and run him out of this town and- ow!”

****

You hit your dad’s arm, absentmindedly, you honestly didn’t need his Angry Dad Dramatics right now. Bucky had woken you up this morning, lingering over your body and making love to you, slowly and thoroughly and it brought you to tears. You held each other but didn’t say anything, just held onto the feeling of being wrapped in each others arms for this last time.

****

Your flight wasn’t until late so you both separated so you could get some last minute things done. You were mildly surprised when Bucky didn’t put up too much of a fight with you about that but he just said, cryptically, that he had some things he wanted to get for your trip and if he stayed with you he would find it harder to let you out of bed.

****

So, you let him go and tried not to dwell on it. You had text him throughout the day and now, here you were, about to check your bags so you could go through security. This was the last stop to say goodbye and Bucky wasn’t here! You had to go soon, the flight would close….

****

“Dad, please stop, I need you to chill and not make me feel even more sick and- oh, fuck!” You cry, causing a child to giggle and her mother to glare at you, “What if he won’t turn up! What if I never see him again! If he’s caught in traffic and- I mean, this isn’t a movie, Dad! This is fucking New York and traffic is everywhere and-”

****

“Y/N Y/LN, calm down! He’ll be here!”

****

“Bucky should’ve known better about the traffic, Dad! Everyone knows to plan your journey around traffic! How long has he lived here?! Oh yeah, since birth and-”

****

“Y/N!”

****

Your heart actually stops and you spin, almost falling to your knees when you see Bucky running towards you. He looks amazing, his hair is tied back, he’s wearing your favourite blue t-shirt and the black leather jacket you got for him and, at this moment, you want to rip it off so you can thrash him with it for making you wait and for making you so scared. 

****

“Where the hell have you been?!” You yell, earning another giggle and glare combo from the woman and her daughter.

****

“Y/N! Don’t yell!” Your dad interjects before turning to Bucky, “Where the fuck have you been?!”

****

This time the little girl claps and her mother gives up and moves to another seat, taking her daughter away as she did so.

****

“Y/N Y/L/N” Bucky begins, completely oblivious to how frantic you and your dad are. “ I am so sorry I made you wait, doll. And I don’t just mean now, in this airport, even though I am sorry about that, traffic was murder.”

****

You roll your eyes but you don’t stop him. You selfishly wanted this last grand speech about how much he loves you in front of everyone. Hopefully it would be recorded, somewhere.

****

“I’m sorry I made you wait to find me, I’m sorry that I made you wait so long to spend our first night together.”

****

“Oh, God. I don’t need to hear this!” You dad gags in disgust but you ignore him, too. You ignore everyone but the beautiful man in front of you who looks a sincere as anyone could look. His blue eyes were shining with tears and you felt your own well up to mirror his.

****

“I am sorry that I can’t go with you because I waited to long to get myself where I wanted to be in life, but, in a great irony, I probably wouldn’t have had the chance without meeting you when I did, anyway.”

****

You laugh and Bucky grins before sobering up, his hands went into his pockets and he looks at the floor. 

****

“Mostly though, I am so sorry that it has taken me three months to ask you this, even though I knew after our date in the park that I would never love anyone else the way I love you. I love you with half of my heart, half of my mind and half of my soul. I would say I love you with all of those but, you’ll be taking half of them with you.”

****

You, and your dad and some other people (including the random woman and her daughter) all gasp when Bucky drops to one knee in front of you, pulling out a velvet box and opening it to reveal a beautiful solitaire diamond on what looked like a white gold band.

****

“Bucky…”

****

“Y/N Y/LN… Will you marry me when you come back?”

****

“YES!” You literally scream and tackle him to the floor, kissing every part of him you could press your lips to, his forehead, his nose, his jaw, and finally his lips. You kiss him with everything you have, uncaring about the people around you who are watching, you just feel Bucky under you and you feel happy and complete and that’s all that matters.

****

“Hey, Y/N, you have to get going… come on… I’m sorry.”

****

Your dad’s voice brings you back to reality and you look down at Bucky. “You sure about this? You’re not just saying this because… you definitely want to wait for me?”

****

“I’ll do anything for you. I’ll be here, I’ll come there, I’ll travel anywhere to be with you. So, marrying you? Really not a problem, doll.”

****

You start to get up, pulling him up with you, “Six months after I get back, Bucky Barnes, I want to be your wife within six months of getting back!”

****

“I’m so happy for you two.” Your dad pulls you both in for a hug. “I mean… he never asked for my permission but, I guess I can waive that tradition seeing as you two don’t seem to want to follow something as old as that anyway.”

****

“Thanks, Dad.” You hug him and kiss his cheek. “I love you, Dad. I’ll talk to you soon.”

****

“Goodbye, pumpkin. Save some lives.”

****

An airline stewardess comes up from the desk, “I’m so sorry to interrupt but, we will have to close this flight in five minutes. If you want to get on, you have to come through, now.”

****

You turn to Bucky and hug him, pressing yourself to him as close as possible. Your ribs almost bend with the force of Bucky’s returning hug but you take it and commit it to memory. “I need to go, Bucky. Put the ring on my finger.”

****

It fit perfectly and you swallowed your tears back, “It’s perfect. I love you… I wish-”

****

“Shhh, don’t.” Bucky kissed you into silence before pulling away. “These things happening for us now? They are our wishes coming true, right? How we feel won’t change in the meantime. I love you and I’m proud of you. I’ll be here when you get back, doll. Be safe.”

****

You throw your arms around him and kiss him again, one more time before breaking away and running to the desk. Tears ran down your face but the woman doesn’t say a word, just checks your bag and hands you your boarding pass without a word and you’re thankful to her for that.

****

You can’t go back to your dad and Bucky for another goodbye, you wouldn’t leave if you did, so you just turn back to them and wave. You kiss your engagement ring and smile at Bucky, helpless to stop more tears when he places his hand over his heart. 

****

“You’re right here.”

****

He mouths those words to you and you copy him, your left hand over your heart. “You’re right here.”

****

One last smile. One last wave. Then you turn and walk through to security to where your gate and your new life for the next two years would be.

****

You could be sad but, you knew it in your bones, you loved Bucky and he loved you and that was what you would come home to. You felt that in your heart.


End file.
